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Confessions of an Agony Aunt
By
Jane Sigaloff
Published by MIRA – UK March 2007 – with author extras.
(Previously published by Red Dress Ink as Name & Address Withheld – Nov 2002)
Summary
Lizzie Ford is London’s most popular agony aunt but she finds it somewhat ironic that a D-list celebrity like herself – who counsels others on their sex lives – has been sitting on the bench for three years waiting to get back into the game.
So Lizzie can’t believe her luck when she meets Matt Baker. They hit it off immediately, only there’s one problem – Matt’s wife may not be happy with this new arrangement.
The strange thing is that even while she’s hoping that Matt will get a divorce, she’s actively helping a woman who has written into her column asking for advice to save her crumbling marriage – a marriage that bears more than a passing resemblance to Matt’s…
Plunged into a world of scandal, it’s time for Lizzie to learn some truths about life, love and fidelity.
Extract
Why is it that we always want what we can’t have? It doesn’t matter whether it’s that Prada bag, Nike’s latest offering to trainer culture, Jennifer Aniston’s hair, George Clooney, or the senior school sweetheart; there are times in our lives when we think – no, we know – that life would be complete if only we had the item in question. By the same token it is a human failing that we rarely realise what we do have until it is no longer ours to keep. Both have happened to me more often than I would care to remember.
Mark was all I wanted between the ages of fifteen and sixteen. My school exercise books were littered with his name, hearts with our initials carved by lust during double English and, most importantly, our percentage of compatibility which I once worked out to be eighty-four percent. A miscalculation. I should have spent more time paying attention in maths. When he finally asked me out the week after my seventeenth birthday – because, I now fear, he had asked everyone else out already – I thought I was going to burst with pleasure. It was a match made in heaven – I had the soft-focus daydreams to prove it.
For five weeks it was the real hand-holding thing. My months of background research paid off and I had all the right answers to his questions and all the right cassettes in my collection. I was In Love. Then the object of my misplaced affection stole my virginity before chucking me publicly and unceremoniously just before the end of term. My life ended as quickly as it had begun. I wept and fasted, and wept and fasted some more. Then came the hunger and I ate like never before. My adolescence would certainly have been less traumatic without him, but I would have laughed in the face of anyone who’d tried to tell me at the time. Adult lesson # 1 learned; the hard way…
‘There you go, love. Have a nice evening.’
Lizzie looked up from the magazine. She’d been so busy checking her weekly column for mistakes that she’d momentarily been transported back to her teens. A fist of nerves settled in her stomach as she realised that she’d arrived at her final destination.
Four hundred people were expected to celebrate Christmas and a successful first year in which City FM had been put on the radio map and, as the station controller Richard Drake liked to tell her, as their newest recruit she was an important part of that. Lizzie wished he was there to remind her just once more for the record as her self-confidence temporarily vanished and she fought an increasingly strong urge to melt into the Soho crowds and disappear. Just because it was a work do, didn’t mean that it was supposed to feel like an assignment, and she couldn’t help feeling that anything referred to as a ‘do’ should always be a don’t. There was, of course, the develop-a-mysterious-24-hour-bug tactic, but from previous experience Lizzie knew that two painful hours at the office party were worth their weight in nights out on the beers for the rest of the year.
As the taxi pulled away from the kerb, having deposited its perfumed payload on the pavement, a familiar ringing noise caught her attention. Saved by the bell? She prayed it was an emergency. Nothing life-threatening, just party-threatening, Lizzie rummaged for her mobile, which for several rings eluded her grasp despite the smallness of her bag.
‘Hello?’
‘It’s nearly quarter to ten, for God’s sake.
Shouldn’t you be paralytic by now?’
Lizzie smiled. It was Clare. Best friend, flatmate and chief party outfit adviser.
‘I’ve literally just got out of the cab.’
‘Well, hurry up and get yourself to the bar. It’s one thing being fashionably late, but if you leave it much longer no one will even remember you were there at all. Remember you’re gorgeous, witty, intelligent, beautiful and sober…well, relatively…an inestimable advantage at this stage of the evening. You’ll be able to impress them all by still being capable of pronouncing words of more than one syllable. Leave your nerves in the cloakroom and get yourself a drink.’
‘Thanks. I will…’ A few ego-bolstering words of support and Lizzie’s attitude had done a U-turn. ‘And thanks for all your top fashion advice earlier. Thank God for you and your wardrobe.’
Way back, B.C. (before Clare), Lizzie had endured a couple of outfit faux pas. Now she was practically a D-list celebrity she couldn’t afford to rock any boats with her choice of partywear.
‘No problem. Couldn’t have you rocking up in pin-striped skintight stretch drainpipe jeans!’
‘Listen you, that photo was taken in 1984. Anyone who was anyone had a pair. Probably even Madonna.’
Clare ignored her. Her job was done and, besides, she had a restaurant to run.
‘Lots of love…catch up with you in the morning for a debrief.’
Lizzie snapped her expensively compact mobile shut. Giving herself a sultry smile, she pulled her shoulders back, instantly adding breasts to her outfit, and despite the newness of her shoes managed to sashay the requisite twenty metres to the door retaining both her composure and the full use of both ankles.
‘Lizzie Ford.’
Sullenly the bouncer checked his list before slowly unhooking the rope that stood between her and the rest of the evening. While the stretch of red curtain tie-back cord at mid-calf level wouldn’t have stopped anything – with the exception, perhaps, of a stray sheep – from getting in if it really wanted to, it was all about the image of exclusivity. Judging by the relief Lizzie now felt at being on the right side, it was working.
She smiled amicably at a couple of semi-familiar faces as she swept – well, stepped – into the party, which was already in full swing. Parties had been much more fun when she could waltz up to people who knew nothing about her, might never see her again, and didn’t know where to find her. Now, with her own jingle and her own show, she had forfeited her right to anonymity.
Matt hated big work parties. Pressure to look good. Pressure to provide jocose and scintillating conversation even if the person you were talking to had nothing of interest to contribute. Pressure to network… It was no wonder that people ended up incredibly drunk, determined to start digging their own professional graves by discarding all tact and diplomacy and fraternising with people they were normally – and often for good reason – intimidated by.
He spotted Lizzie the minute she walked into the busy bar. He knew who she was. Listener research showed that she was already one of their most popular presenters, and thanks to Lizzie Ford an agony aunt with sex appeal was no longer an oxymoron. The Agony and The Ecstasy was outstripping its rivals in the ratings, and she brought a unique blend of understanding, sympathy and the odd soft rock track to their airwaves. Rumour had it she was going to be a big star. Watching her work the room, he had no reason to doubt it.
What he really needed was a night in, a pint of Ribena, a balanced meal and a video. But instead he was pouring yet more beer and canapés down his iron-coated alimentary canal. To make matters worse the bloke opposite him had been boring him rigid for the last ten minutes.
Here was a graduate with high hopes who hadn’t yet had his enthusiasm dampened by a few years in the workplace, and Matt knew he should have been flattered by the attention. After all, he’d only wanted an insight into the ‘creative wizard’ that was Matt Baker. He’d never been called a wizard to his face before. Maybe it was time to invest in a pointy hat, or at least sew a couple of stars onto his Ted Baker shirt. Matt smiled to himself. Unfortunately this was interpreted by his co-conversationalist as a green light to continue. Matt was barely listening. His eyes were fixed but not focused.
Professionally it had been a good year. On the domestic front it was becoming easier and easier to forget that he had a wife. Five years down the line they shared a mortgage and a bathroom, but little else. He’d always known she craved success. Ambition was one of the things he’d found so attractive about her. A fiery determination, which he had no doubt would pay off, and a professional self-belief that could be incredibly intimidating whether you were her bank manager, her boss or just her husband. But now it felt as if he was irrelevant. Last season’s must-have accessory. Taking a swig of his beer, he willed his intoxication to move on to the wildly happy mad-dog phase. Alcoholic introspection was not conducive to the festive spirit.
Lizzie went through the motions and, her inhibitions soon buried at the bottom of a glass, worked her way round the room air-kissing, hand-shaking and nodding enthusiastically. Once she’d done the small talk thing with the big bosses and concentrated on saying the right things to the right people at the right time she made a bee-line for her producer, Ben, and joined the rest of her production team who were apparently intent on sweating away the remaining hours on the dance floor.
As the physical effects of her non-existent dinner, multiple G&T, high-heeled dancing evening started to kick in, to her relief she spotted a recently vacated leather sofa and sinking into the cushions, still warm from their previous occupants, slipped her shoes to one side, flexing her aching arches.
She was miles away when the drive-time DJ, Danny Vincent, slithered into her personal space, instantly activating her built-in quality control alarm by resting his arm along the couch behind her in a semi-territorial manner. He was reputedly as smooth as the voice that calmed many frayed tempers in traffic jams, and certainly at this too-close range Lizzie could see that his teeth were too white and too perfect to be his own.
‘So, what’s a beautiful, young, successful woman like you doing sitting alone in the corner?’
His voice was indeed a phenomenon, somewhere between a growl and a purr. But it was the most interesting thing about him by a considerable margin. Lizzie wished she’d left before he’d gatecrashed her party.
‘Resting. People-watching. Taking a breather on my own.’ She pointedly left longer pauses than natural between the last three words to make her point. A cue for him to leave. But Danny was far too thick-skinned to notice.
‘But this is a party.’ He said it like ‘pardee’. ‘A chance to meet new people, to road-test a few colleagues and get to know your new family.’
Things were going from bad to worse. Lizzie was trapped in the corner with the station jock. Her stomach tensed involuntarily, but Danny was bankable talent with a long contract and was way above her in the pecking order, so provided he kept his pecker to himself she would just have to be civil.
She started to pray to the god of Interruptions and Small Distractions while desperately looking for someone she knew to rescue her from drive-time hell.
Matt was at the bar – again. As he picked his way back to his workmates he spotted Lizzie in the corner and, watching her as he distributed his round, he decided that her body language said, Help…Rescue Me. Leaving his colleagues mid-sentence, he strode over to do the decent thing.
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